“Home of the brave and free (It’s America)
Free just to murder me (land of the handgun)
Land of the beautiful (home of the shotgun)
Cursed by the hate we throw (You’re dead if you ain’t got one)
Is this the new national anthem?” Lyrics from T.I.’s song, New National Anthem.

2020 has started out to be quite a year. And, more stuff is happening and adding on to all the craziness. I’m trying to maintain my sanity and happiness, but it’s so hard and draining. The things that I want to do, I can’t really do because of the pandemic. I have anxiety about everything. I feel like I can’t be great. I’m steady trying to fight against everything and accomplish what I have planned for this year. Yet, it seem more challenging. So, not only is the pandemic getting to me, but all the things I’ve been seeing on social media and the news has been extremely overwhelming. The continual stories of police brutality, racial injustice and just plain outright racism. It’s making me feel so confused and lost at times.

I have never, in my life, felt any sense of uneasiness of being “attacked” by any white person. I may have felt like they were liars and sneaky as hell, but never as attackers towards me. I grew up seeing, hearing and learning about the history of racism in America. But, never would I thought it would be back to a level that I grew up learning about. On top of the racism, you have all this evil and ignorance in the world. I don’t know how to feel, or process, all of this. I can’t ignore it and go on with my life like normal, as if nothing else is going on in the world. Because if I do, I’ll feel some type of way. And, I can’t continue to speak up and fight for change, awareness and justice without feeling completely overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless.

I see a lot of comments and posts from people who seem to have no sense of regard to life on different social media outlets. People saying things as if black people deserve to die if they break any type of law; whether they’re innocent or not. Or, that a black person deserves to die if they resist arrest. It’s sickening. And, it’s not just the black lives being murdered that’s getting to me. It’s stories, or videos, about white people feeling “threatened” just because someone is black; Or, make false claims of attacks because of someone’s skin color. I saw a video of a white woman point blank pointing a gun at a black female over a parking issue, I believe. Another video of a cop that pulled over a guy, forcing his door open and then pulling his gun out on the driver sitting in his car. A lady feeling threaten by a UPS worker just doing his job. Stories across the country about horrific child abuse. Domestic Abuse. Homicides. Kidnapping. Human trafficking. Racial injustice. So many things. So much to process.

But, how do I live my life knowing that at any given moment I can make another person feel threaten simply because of my complexion? How do I live my life, knowing that my 6ft, athletic built 15 year old son could be the subject of “you fit the description” and end up dead while walking across the street to the corner store? How do I live my life, knowing that my 11 year old introverted son who just loves to play video games will not be mistaken as “a suspicious person” and end up dead just for being outside in the neighborhood he lives in? How do I live my life, knowing that someone can kidnap and kill me just because I’m a single female out somewhere by myself? How do I live my life, knowing that if I was to go to trial for anything that I most likely wouldn’t receive a fair trial simply because of my race and/or background? How do I live my life, knowing that the country I was born and raised in, doesn’t see me as a free and legal citizen as it claims that I am and wants me to go back to where I came from? Tell me…how?!

America, when will you allow me to be free? When can I truly celebrate an independence day? When can I live a life free from anxiety caused by the hateful ways of this country? When, America?! I just want to be free. I want to live free. I want to feel free. And, I’m not just talking about being free to write this blog, have a job, a car and place to stay. I’m talking about free to live a life as an American that the United States Constitution speaks of. I want to live and truly believe the, Pledge of Allegiance, when it says “one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” I want to know for a fact that what America has written down as “law” for this country, that it applies to me and my sons too. I would like to be a true American. A proud American. But, will you allow me…America? Can I live?

“...And when you have constant threats on your life, and et cetera, that’s not freedom. It just shows we haven’t developed far enough.” -Roger McAfee (1972)