Sometimes my mind is going so much that I can’t concentrate, hear things around me and/or sleep. Sometimes my heart will start beating so fast that I feel like I can’t breath. Sometimes I feel so antsy to do something, but have no intentions of doing anything. Sometimes my head feels like I’m in a loud room full of people, that I need to cover my ears to quiet the noise. Sometimes I feel so anxious, out of nowhere, that I’ll start nervously shaking. Sometimes I feel so down that I don’t want to be bothered with anything or anybody. Sometimes I’ll get vivid images in my head, that it actually scares me. Sometimes I just want to cry for no apparent reason. And, then there’s times I feel like I just don’t want to be bothered being in this world at all.

There’s a lot going on in this country. A lot of things that are resurfacing. And, it’s towards people that look like me; It’s so overwhelming. And, for someone like me who battles with mental health issues, I’m honestly at a point where I don’t know what to feel or what to think. Two years ago today, something happened that took me back down to a dark space. Until this day, I still don’t fully understand why that particular unfortunate incident affected me in such a way that it did. But, I do know that it was the main reason why I wanted to start a blog. And quite honestly, with everything that’s going on right now, it feels like something is trying to pull me back to that space. Living with such issues is mentally, and emotionally, draining. I’m literally tired as if I’ve been doing hard manual labor for like 12 hours out of the day. And, I work from home. I smile when I don’t feel like smiling. I engage when I want to be left alone. I go about my day as normal, but have no interest in anything whatsoever. And, unfortunately, I have to do those things in my community and for family and friends because if I don’t, I’m considered mean, hateful, evil, boring, got a bad attitude or just plain crazy. But, it’s not that…I’m just tired. I’m tired from battling myself just to feel ok.

Going through days like this is extremely hard, because I always feel like I have nobody to talk to. And, when I say to talk to, I mean someone who will just listen and try to understand. Most times, when you talk to people about things that are bothering you, you’ll get a very typical response. As in, “oh, just pray about it”, “everything will be okay”, “just don’t think about it”, “you’ll get over it”. Or, they’ll try to dig deeper into whatever is bothering you just to be nosey. And, when you come across that so many times, it just makes you want to seclude yourself, and shut down, even more. At least for me it does.

To the black community real quick, we gotta stop putting a stigma on mental health issues. Not everybody who you think is “crazy”, is crazy. A person may not be as mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong as you portray to be. You don’t have to always “baby” a person or “cater” to their every needs just because they’re feeling, or acting, a certain type of way. But, you can try being kind, open, considerate and helpful. And, if that’s too much for you, try directing them to a place, or to someone, who can. But, we must stop stigmatizing mental health issues in our communities. We are dying from this too. And, it’s hurting us.

This is a hard life. And, I know there are others who feel the same way or, are dealing with some of the same things that I deal with. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And, it’s ok not to be ok. Just know that you will be ok. Find you someone that will listen and understand and not give the unwanted advice. For me, I’ve found ways to help cope with my “moments”, as I call it. Most times they work, sometimes they don’t. But, I rather take my chances of trying to cope rather than let the struggle take over. Find your way to cope. Listen to music, talk a walk, workout, read, write, meditate, pray, sing, dance or whatever that makes you feel good and puts even a hint of a smile on your face. It’s hard and it’s tiring. I know. But, there are ways to get through the “moments”. And, you can get through the moments. There is help out there, if needed. Just remember that you are not alone. Because I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME. We’re in this together, so lets be strong together. I Love You!

*If you are suffering, DO NOT be afraid to get help!*

• If you have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or self-harm and have intentions to act on them, PLEASE CALL 911 or one of the help lines below….
• Depression Hotline: 888-640-5174
• Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
• Addiction Hotline: 877-226-3111
• Self-Harm Hotline: 877-455-0628

Love, Peace & Blessings.

R.I.P Jahseh “XXXTentacion” Onfroy